The Book


From Chapter One:

"Dear Reader,

    I’m assuming that you’re reading this book because you have a toddler. First, I’m sorry. Second, don’t show any weakness. Toddlers, like all animals of prey, feed off of fear.

    “Toddler Assholery” is a normal part of human development. It’s like puberty but focuses mainly on throwing food on the floor and taking swings at people who pay your way in life.

    Reader, never ever blame yourself for your toddler being an asshole to you. Toddlers are beautiful, kind, and wonderful to people who are not in primary custody of them.

    There’s a reason toddlers are at their peak cuteness: it’s because nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave them there with a note that says, “I’m a little shit and they couldn’t take it anymore.”

A new version of Toddlers Are A**holes with images, expanded recipes, no-typos and more hilarity is coming in April 7, 2015! Preorder below.