Rules For The Community Easter Egg Hunt

Alright. It's that time of year again. Parents around the world will honor the resurrection by behaving like hooligans over $.25 pieces of chocolate.

Can we all agree once and for all that Easter egg hunts should be fun for all kids? We shouldn't even have to lay down rules. This is common sense. Part of me things some of you were raised in in a barn but even Jesus Himself was born in a stable and managed to turn out well so what's your excuse?

Rule #1: Monitor your older kids. 

If your 9-year old is mowing down toddlers to fill up a Walmart bag full of brightly-colored eggs we know that two things are true. First: your child is a future Ted Bundy and you have failed as a parent. Second: If you don't do something, I will. You think I'm afraid to trip a fourth grader for the greater good? I assure you I am not.

Rule #2: Feel free to help your babies, but you're not grocery shopping.

Nothing is cuter than seeing a tot in their Easter best toddle along a green field spotted with eggs. Go ahead and help your little pants crapper gather 4-5 eggs. It's great for photo ops. We get it. But the minute you start hoarding eggs like it's the End Of Days and cheap chocolate is the new currency, you need to pump those breaks. Your 10 month-old can't even eat half that stuff. Who are you gathering like a chipmunk for? Ask yourself: why are you getting so excited about free candy that you're willing to ruin the experience for other kids? Take a giant step back.

Rule #3: Tell your kids when to stop.

Nobody expects a three year-old high on Peeps to know when to tap out. If your preschooler's basket is full to the brim and he is now resorting to stuffing eggs down his pants, grab your child by the backpack leash and say "THAT'S ENOUGH." Tackle him by the waist if you have to, three-year olds can be quick. This is called parenting. If he starts crying at least you know he's gonna sleep really well later. This is how we raise considerate people who know that they are not the center of world and don't take up multiple parking spaces in front of Best Buy.

Rule #4: Don't steal other kids' candy.

I can't believe I even have to type this out, but here goes: stealing is wrong. If you see an unsupervised basket, that doesn't mean you can pick it up and put it in your car. What's wrong with you? Get help. Why are you even in public? You're not fit to walk amongst us.

Rule #5: Calm the F*&% Down. 

This isn't the Hunger Games. Your child is not in the arena and this isn't a life or death situation. Please tell your little Katniss that Easter egg hunts are not competitions. Tell her that everyone can go home happy and the goal isn't to "beat" anyone else.

Tips: Feed your kids something other than Tang before they show up. Take them to the bathroom. Let them know that if they act the fool you'll throw their basket in the dumpster behind McDonalds on the way home. Do what you have to do to make sure your family doesn't ruin the day for another family.

You've got this.

Follow these rules and hopefully we can make community Easter egg hunts fun again. Let's do it for the kids.