Rules For The Community Easter Egg Hunt

Alright. It's that time of year again. Parents around the world will honor the resurrection by behaving like hooligans over $.25 pieces of chocolate.

Can we all agree once and for all that Easter egg hunts should be fun for all kids? We shouldn't even have to lay down rules. This is common sense. Part of me things some of you were raised in in a barn but even Jesus Himself was born in a stable and managed to turn out well so what's your excuse?

Rule #1: Monitor your older kids. 

If your 9-year old is mowing down toddlers to fill up a Walmart bag full of brightly-colored eggs we know that two things are true. First: your child is a future Ted Bundy and you have failed as a parent. Second: If you don't do something, I will. You think I'm afraid to trip a fourth grader for the greater good? I assure you I am not.

Rule #2: Feel free to help your babies, but you're not grocery shopping.

Nothing is cuter than seeing a tot in their Easter best toddle along a green field spotted with eggs. Go ahead and help your little pants crapper gather 4-5 eggs. It's great for photo ops. We get it. But the minute you start hoarding eggs like it's the End Of Days and cheap chocolate is the new currency, you need to pump those breaks. Your 10 month-old can't even eat half that stuff. Who are you gathering like a chipmunk for? Ask yourself: why are you getting so excited about free candy that you're willing to ruin the experience for other kids? Take a giant step back.

Dear Perfect Mom In The Facebook Comments

Dear Perfect Mom In The Facebook Comments,

First, I just want you thank you for showing up and letting us know how much better you and your sweet angel baby child are than the rest of us rat-faced, lazy, no-discipline, stupid moms and our dumbass, out of control gutter children.

When God made you, He really broke the mold. It's not often that we get to gaze upon true perfection. Your comments of "My child would never do that" or "I've never experienced anything like this" or "My little one has always been a perfect sleeper" or "Maybe if you were a better parent_____" really add to the conversation and inspire us to do better. Thanks.

I have a little question for you though, does that stick up your ass hurt when you sit down? Like, does it go deeper into your anal cavity and damage your large intestines or are you pretty much used to it at this point?

I'd also love to know if you have friends in real life or if your social interactions are limited to one upping strangers? I only ask because you have the social skills of a used tampon.

This may come as a shock to you but criticizing someone's parenting when they're 1) Not being evil to their kid or 2) Trying to do their best or 3) Just Venting is a DICK move. Dick moves makes you a dick. Did you know that? You're being a dick which is actually worse than being an "ignorant" parent.

I'm just going to throw this out there, but it seems as if you might be on your first kid. News flash: it's possible to have one or even two very easy going children before the stork shits a humdinger in your lap. The entire Internet community of parents can't wait for you to be gifted with a child that challenges you in any way so that you can see what it's like for someone to kick you when you're down.

*To those of you who got a hell-raiser of a first kid, hang in there.

Perfect Mom, if your angel sweetheart is under a year old, just shut the fuck up. Babies don't even compare to toddlers or older children when it comes to what they can (literally) throw at you.

Any mom of 3+ kids will tell you that some pop out the womb meditating and laying hands on the sick while others karate chop their way out of your vagina looking for people to piss on and spit at. 

This is bigger than nature vs. nurture though: do you know how bitchy you sound when you pull this high and mighty crap in the comments section? You're not coming off as superior or lucky, you're coming off as mean-spirited, tone deaf, and an asshole. Parents all have good days and bad days. What sets you apart is that you're throwing your good day in the face of someone who's having a bad day. That's messed up.

"I'm just trying to help." Yeah right. If you were truly interested in helping or offering suggestions, you'd figure out a way to do it without sounding like Regina George from Mean Girls.

Go ahead. Keep judging, bragging, and telling the world how amazing you are at the most ridiculous times. Just keep in mind that you really are teaching us something about parenting: that we don't want our kids to grow up like you.

*And if you don't even have kids go ahead and slap yourself for me. Offering up advice based on what you've seen on TV, experiences with extended family, and murky memories from your own childhood is like someone thinking they're a qualified dog trainer because they've seen episodes of Clifford. We've all silently had opinions about people's parenting but smart people keep those thoughts to themselves because bottom line: You Don't Know Their Life and you're not there every damn day. Unless you're willing to step up and actually help from a place of love, don't shout shit from the sidelines. This ain't Little League.

My book Toddlers Are A**holes is here. It's perfect for the holidays. Not only does it break down the crazy behavior of toddlers, there's a special section dedicated to all the types of asshole parents in your life. Sneak peak:

Saturday Mornings With And Without A Toddler

I remember when the most stressful part of a Saturday morning was deciding whether to have fruit or hashbrowns with breakfast.