How To Make Dinner For A Toddler In 50 Easy Steps

1. Start preparing meal
2. Notice toddler walk into the kitchen. Walk is the wrong word. Notice toddler slither into the kitchen.
3. Feel your blood pressure rise and get the shakes.
4. Listen to toddler whine that they are hungry
5. Explain that dinner will be ready soon
6. Listen to toddler cry that they are hungry again (louder)
7. Explain that you are currently making dinner and that dinner consists of food which is a common remedy for hunger
8. Listen to toddler scream that they are hungry.
9. Listen to toddler ask for a snack
10. Attempt to explain why a snack before dinner makes no sense and will ruin their appetite
11. Listen to toddler beg for a snack while jumping up and down
12. Hope toddler will pass out from their own tantrum
13. Feel toddler attempt to scale you like an electric pole
14. Try to chop with a sharp knife while toddler tries to climb you like a tree
15. Try not to scald anyone with boiling water as toddler runs around the kitchen in front of your legs crying like someone died
16. Pick up toddler and place them on the counter. Tell them to be careful.
17. Toddler will ask for a small bite of shredded cheese
18. Offer toddler a small bite of shredded cheese.
19. Watch as toddler takes three fast handfuls of cheese and eats them before you can react
20. Catch toddler seconds before they fall off of the counter
21. Put toddler in baby carrier on your front
22. Realize it is difficult to cook with a person trying to pick your nose
23. Put toddler in baby carrier on your back
24. Realize it is annoying to cook with someone bucking and throwing you off balance while simultaneously pulling your hair
25. Listen to toddler beg for a bowl of cereal
26. Tell toddler that they can't have a bowl of cereal before dinner
27. Listen to toddler insult you for denying cereal
28. Listen to toddler scream loud enough to alarm your neighbors
29. Hear a knock at the front door
30. Reassure your neighbors that no one is being killed in your home, your toddler just wants cereal
31. Ignore the judgey looks from neighbor and wish them a fine evening 
32. Call spouse and ask them how far away they are
33. Tell spouse to not make any stops and to please come home immediately
34. Wonder if spouse is intentionally driving around the block to avoid the chaos in your home
35. Try to cook with one hand while holding a sobbing toddler in the other arm
36. Almost burn something
37. Wave junk mail under the smoke alarm
38. Open the front door
39. Say hi to your neighbor again
40. Reassure your nosy neighbor that no, there isn't a fire, you're just making dinner
41. Calm down toddler who is scared of the smoke alarm
42. Text spouse and ask if they're almost home
43. Notice that your arm is numb and switch toddler to the other side
44. Break down and give toddler one small cracker
45. Try to remain calm with toddler throws cracker on the floor and asks for a different cracker
46. Open a bottle of wine
47. Give toddler another cracker
48. Realize you forgot to make a vegetable and nuke some peas or canned corn or slice a red bell pepper.
49. Set the table with real or paper plates depending on what your sink situation is like
50. Listen to toddler complain about their plate/fork/spoon/bowl/cup

Say hi to your spouse while showing no signs of stress and sit down for a lovely meal. 

You did it! Ignore the heart palpitations and stay tuned for Part II: How to Eat Dinner With A Toddler in 50 Easy Steps

Alternate Dinner Method.

Step 1: Order Pizza
Step 2: Wait for pizza while sitting on the floor with toddler while drinking a jack and coke
Step 3: Pay for pizza

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I wrote a book called Toddlers Are A**holes. It's a mess. Just like my life.  Preorder it: Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon or Barnes & Noble