25 Thoughts Your Toddler Has Between 5AM-6AM

It's 6:30AM and I've already been up for an hour. I can faintly remember a time when Saturdays were for leisurely waking up on my own around noon.

I'd wander around in my pajamas trying to decide if I should make breakfast or treat myself to french toast with strawberries on top from the place down the street. As I type, I'm staring into a trashed living room. There are toys, sheets that were used to make forts, plastic utensils, and random crap everywhere. One entire couch has been designated my "laundry that needs to me folded sometime this century" landing strip. The sun has barely risen and I'm in full parenting mode. Of course I love my kids but I'd be lying if I didn't say my first thought at the genital wart of dawn isn't usually, "Someone save me from this hell."

Sometimes I wonder, what do toddlers think about in the morning? It probably goes a little something like this.

25 Thoughts Your Toddler Has Between 5AM-6AM

1. I know they can hear me
2. Why is nobody coming?
3. If you want me to escalate, I'll escalate.
4. Hello there. 
5. Where's Mommy?
6. I specifically asked for Mommy.
7. Go get Mommy.
8. Do you want me to escalate again? 
9. Hi Mommy.
10. Why does she look so mad?
11. She's taking me back to her room yay!
12. I love the family bed. I should spread out and take up as much space as possible.
13. Are they going back to sleep?
14. Let's see if I can balance with one foot on each of their heads. 
15. Aggressively touching people's eyelids is fun.
16. Do eyelashes come off? There's only one way to find out. 
17. Oh good, she's getting up.
18. Making her coffee before my breakfast. That's a little rude.
19. Cheerios on a plate is a breakfast?
20. She's not responding to all of my questions with grunts.
21. It's dark outside. Me: 1 Sun: 0
22. TV time!
23. She's sleeping on the couch. Note to self: Try the eyelash thing again.
24. I wonder if she'll make me some eggs?
25. I think that grunt meant no.


I wrote a book called Toddlers Are A**holes. It's a mess. Just like my life.  Get it: Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon or Barnes & Noble