Alternate Uses For The Caillou Halloween Pumpkin Stencil

PBS put out a Caillou pumpkin jack-o-lantern stencil. As if Halloween isn't stressful enough trying to find an Elsa costume, stop yourself from eating 8lbs of candy every night that is supposed to be for neighborhood rugrats, and prepare for the shitstorm that will be walking around with your kids in the dark tomorrow night.

Not only do parents not have time for that kind of shit, but I have to ask myself: Do they not realize how many parents would rather suck snot directly out of their child's nose with their mouth than have to stare at that walking cold sore?

Not only is Caillou a whiny bastard, he trains other children to act like whiny bastards. This is unacceptable. I don't know if it's because he's ill and about to go on some Make A Wish trip, but his parents let him do whatever the hell he wants with no consequences. If I were Caillou's aunt I'd pull the little bitch aside and say, "Listen prick, I know your deadbeat parents are fucking up royally but once you get into the real world know that we're not going to put up with your antics so get it together."

Back to the jack-o-lantern. The only purpose for actually making a Caillou jack-o-lantern is if you plan to tell young trick or treaters that Caillou was so bad that you were forced to trap his evil soul into a pumpkin where it will live for all time. Other than that, there's no reason to do it. We must not immortalize this demon cartoon child. He is a bad example. No, he's the worst example of how a kid should act.

I truly believe that his parents are on 24/hour sedatives. How else do you explain their clothes and overly calm demeanor?

Since you're not making the pumpkin, here are a couple alternate uses for the print out.

Toilet Bowl Aim-er

Got a boy? Does he have a peen? Help him learn how to piss with accuracy. Print this shit out on toilet paper or some other thin paper or laminate it first. By pissing on Caillou's face, your child will learn that whining will get you a face full of urine.

Fun Caillou Dart Game

What's the old saying? Ah yes: "Act like a bitch get cut like a bitch." Put this dart board in the den (or family room) as a reminder that assholes never prosper.

I hope I've provided you with a couple alternatives to making a jack-o-lantern out of this wanker. Caillou must be stopped. I'm waiting for the episode where his mom says "Fuck this shit" and checks into a hotel.

Happy Halloween.


I wrote a book called Toddlers Are A**holes. It's a fucking mess. Just like my life.    Get it: Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon or Barnes & Noble

If Kids Drew The Truth

I was wondering what would happen if kids drew the truth so I did it myself.

Get the book.

I wrote a book called Toddlers Are A**holes. It's a fucking mess. Just like my life.    Get it: Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon or Barnes & Noble

(click image to make it bigger)

Quiz: Is My Toddler The Antichrist?

Take the quiz and find out!

Potty Training Drinking Game

Chapter 20 is about potty training and includes a drinking game because why not?

Here's a portable version for your fridge.

Alcohol doesn't solve problems but it makes dealing with them more fun.


The book is out! 

I wrote a book called Toddlers Are A**holes. It's a fucking mess. Just like my life.    Get it: Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon or Barnes & Noble

How To Make Dinner For A Toddler In 50 Easy Steps

1. Start preparing meal
2. Notice toddler walk into the kitchen. Walk is the wrong word. Notice toddler slither into the kitchen.
3. Feel your blood pressure rise and get the shakes.
4. Listen to toddler whine that they are hungry
5. Explain that dinner will be ready soon
6. Listen to toddler cry that they are hungry again (louder)
7. Explain that you are currently making dinner and that dinner consists of food which is a common remedy for hunger
8. Listen to toddler scream that they are hungry.
9. Listen to toddler ask for a snack
10. Attempt to explain why a snack before dinner makes no sense and will ruin their appetite
11. Listen to toddler beg for a snack while jumping up and down

What Did You Do All Day?

Let's settle this once and for all.

People who work outside of the home: You are NOT allowed to ask your stay-at-home spouse what they did all day when you walk through the door and see the shitateous state of your home.

You are not allowed to even imply the question with judgmental glances around a kitchen that looks like a pack of drunk gorillas spent the day making pancakes. 

You're not allowed to say "WOW" under your breath when you walk into a living room that looks like it hosted a Babies R Us sponsored political protest earlier that afternoon. You might get a whiff of a balled up poop diaper that's chilling by the door. Be a doll and take it outside, k? If you step on a grape, there's no reason to get dramatic. It's fruit, not a landmine. You're gonna be alright.

Expect to see a few laundry baskets with a mix of clean and dirty clothes. The sink might be full of dishes. Your bed will probably be unmade. A fine layer of crumbs may or may not be everywhere.

You know why? Because June Cleaver is not a real person. She is not a sleep-deprived mom running on fumes, who runs around making sure her toddler doesn't break his face on the furniture. She doesn't make meal after rejected meal. She doesn't change 400 diapers a day or get pissed on so regularly that she doesn't even consider urine a valid reason to change clothes. June Cleaver had no responsibilities outside of learning her lines and pretending to vacuum in pearls.

"What Did You Do All Day" are fighting words to a parent who is probably going on Day #3 with the same underwear. It's an unacceptable question to a person who can't remember the last time they took a shit without someone watching or, even better, sitting directly in their lap asking for food. Did you poop by yourself today? Good for you. They didn't.

"What Did You Do All Day" implies to someone who is giving all they can, that they didn't do enough. And that's a fast-track to driving them absolutely batshit crazy.

Spending entire days and nights serving small children like a butler is draining. Tantrums are frequent. There is little to no adult-interaction. The demands are nonstop and flow constantly like a case of vicious diarrhea. In stay-at-home parenting you usually either have the choice of actual parenting- ie. making sure a kid doesn't take themselves out by choking a coin they found, or cleaning. Which one would you rather have your stay-at-home other half do? Follow your kid around like a potential shoplifter so they don't go face down into the toilet or mop the floors?

Don't even suggest that naptime be spent matching socks. Sometimes it will be. Other times it will spent trying to recharge for the Witching Hour aka HELL. That's if a nap even happens.

Many stay-at-homers do a courtesy speed clean right before their spouse gets home. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't see what your place really looks like after being torn about by kids. It would have scarred you for life.

There are people who manage to keep a spotless house while staying at home with children but most of them are on uppers. They'll deny it. Addicts always do. Look at their pupils. Drugs.

Just be glad when you get home that someone took care of your kid while you did what you needed to do for the family. Because the only acceptable response to "What Did You Do All Day" is a roundhouse to the face and the children don't need to see that.

xoxo Me

I wrote a book called Toddlers Are A**holes. It's a fucking mess. Just like my life.  Get it: Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon or Barnes & Noble

Five Things Moms Know To Be True

I had a playdate with a mom friend yesterday. By playdate, I mean we sat at her kitchen table and complained about our families for several hours. Getting out of the house feels like preparing a small nation for war so I hadn't seen her in almost a year. It was a fantastic day. It was the kind of day that I wish could be my everyday reality. Every now and again one of us buttered a piece of bread for a child or threw a cookie or cup of water their way, but other than that, we had time to just talk. 

I realized some things. There are a few universal mom truths.

Five Things Moms Know To Be True

1. Kids really can grow overnight or during naps.

I told my husband the other day that the baby had grown during the night and he looked at me like I'd confessed to being a former stripper. But I knew it to be true. The baby was heavier. There were facial changes. I swear I'm not crazy. This kid GREW IN THE NIGHT.

2. There's nothing more annoying than a man pretending he doesn't know how to take care of his kids. 

25 Thoughts Your Toddler Has Between 5AM-6AM

It's 6:30AM and I've already been up for an hour. I can faintly remember a time when Saturdays were for leisurely waking up on my own around noon.

Five Ways Dinner With a Toddler is like an Episode of Fear Factor

Five Ways Dinner With a Toddler is Like an Episode of Fear Factor

1. Premise

Fear Factor: Contestants have a limited amount of time to consume something truly disgusting.

Dinner at Home: Toddler has a limited amount of time to consume a standard family meal (meat, carbohydrate, vegetable) that they find truly disgusting. It doesn't matter if the toddler has eaten, loved even, this meal for months, tonight your Fettuccine Alfredo is the equivalent a plate of raw, quivering cow entrails.

2. Prizes

Fear Factor: The contestant is rewarded for their ability to chow down on a bowl of goat testicles by advancing to the next round thus bringing them that much closer to winning several thousand dollars.

Dinner at Home: Dessert. The only reason your toddler hasn't made themselves lose consciousness as a means of escaping the family meal is because they are holding out for what they love the most: the promise of something sweet. It could be anything: a piece of cake, granola bar, cookie, or piece of fruit. To your toddler, dessert is the pot of gold at the end of the three-cheese and meat lasagna rainbow.

3. Drama

Fear Factor: This show obviously works hard to find the most theatrical contestants on Earth. Yes, eating sheep nipples and rat's hearts is disgusting but most of us would simply tap out rather than jump around, howl, and spin in rapid circles to express our displeasure on national television.

Dinner at Home: The amount of crying done at the dinner table varies by toddler but the average tends to be about six gallons of tears. Your toddler may also go under the table, rip their clothes as a sign of mourning, and plead to the heavens as part of their one-man act. Their goal is to exhaust you emotionally into calling the whole thing off and handing over a slice of white bread generously slathered with peanut butter. 

50 Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Awake Right Now

50 Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Awake Right Now 

1. Toddler's socks feel weird
2. Toddler is ready to eat that dinner now. The one he tearfully rejected because it was too exotic and spicy (plain pasta with butter). 
3. Toddler would like to change pajamas for religious reasons. Her religion is called Being A Pain In The Ass and she is but a humble disciple.
4. The seams on toddler's socks are facing down. This is an emergency. How could you let this happen on your watch? Toddler needs assistance and someone to talk it out with.
5. Toddler needs a cup of water. Spread over 25 individual sips. In a red cup from downstairs. The dirty one in the dishwasher. No, not that one, the other one. Oh, it's actually at Target in the cup aisle.
6. Pillow feels too hot.
7. Pillow feels oddly cold. Eerily cold. Toddler would like you to tell them everything you know about the causes of below room temperature pillows. Go.

You Know You Have A Toddler When...

You Know You Have A Toddler When...

1. You know you have a toddler when you hate your spouse a little. Toddlers can destroy your marriage if you let them. The stress of living in an insane asylum with a child who makes you want to fall on your own sword will take a toll on your personal relationship. People without a toddler of their own will not understand how someone so cute will make you want to be single and living in a studio apartment with only a bottle of Jose Cuervo to keep you company, but this is the truth. Do your best to not let your little cock block tear your love life apart. You don’t actually hate your spouse, it just feels like it because you hate life. Remember: You’re in a warzone. You need back up.

2. You no longer fantasize about being rich, famous, beautiful, talented, or any of the above. Your fantasies center around sleep. You dream about being rested and floating away on a California King bed that you can lay in starfish formation in. Most people of think of sleep deprivation in terms of infants but toddlers have the potential to steal just as many Zs as their infant brethren. It’s a hard truth to swallow but with a toddler you will be more physically and emotionally tired than you have ever been while also dealing with levels of twilight shenanigans that will astonish you on a nightly basis. Infants don’t scream in your face. Infants don’t run in to traffic.